Recaps

A wise man once said no g-news is good g-news, unless it’s gary gnus. In keeping with that gentle spirit, there is no news to report on the weight front. Since it’s the exact same as yesterday, I feel like the balance board should reward me. It’s usually so pleased when things remain perfectly still.

Despite the limited movement in my tonnage, the board saw fit to reduce my age by a couple of years. Perhaps that was my reward for keeping my corporeal heft motionless from one day to the next.

Moving on from Wii Fit to EA Sports Active, I have here a prepared statement:

EPH JUMP SQUATS & JUMP LUNGES

As we touched upon yesterday, there is an inherent dissonance between the idea on the one hand of being overweight, and on the other of flinging your body up into the air as high as you can. Yes, it’s good exercise. But it doesn’t make for good neighborly relations if you’ve got someone living underneath your stomping ground.

What’s more, I was being criticized the entire time for my pace and enthusiasm. I don’t know what I was doing wrong.

A jump lunge is performed by getting into a lunge position, jumping, and switching the placement of your feet in the air so that when you land you are lunged on the other leg. It’s a little tricky, but easy enough to pick up. The thing with jump lunges is you have to make the transition fast, or you land funny. I felt like I was doing them right, but every time I got a warning from the trainer that said TOO QUICK.

What was too quick? Did I jump too soon? I don’t think that was the problem. The problem seemed to be that I wasn’t suspended in mid-air like a tubby weather balloon for as long as it would have liked. Then comes the messages from the instructor, “I know you can do better than that” or “You’re not going to break a sweat with that pace.”

I’m sorry I’m not a buoyant as you’d like, jackass. I’ll suck down some helium next time and curse at you in munchkin voice, will that make you happy? I’m guessing not.

Aw well, here are the results:

Wait… “Excellent timing and power on my jump lunges today?”

WHAT???

EA Sports Active is an abusive boyfriend. It tears me down with unrealistic demands, and then takes me out to its camaro. It tells me I’m the best. Promises it’s going to be better to me. We go out to the Pig & Poke and eat french fries with ranch dressing out of a cone, and it drapes its threadbare letterman jacket over me as I fall asleep drooling on the dashboard to the sounds of Bat Out of Hell.

And I’m never heard from again.

After finishing with EA Sports Active I moved on to the Daily Burn abs and legs workout. Since my legs were already sore from the squatting, lunching, jumping, and running that EA-SA had me doing, everything was kind of rubbery ad non-responsive. Still, I got through all of it except the squats, which just weren’t happening.

Since it’s been a week now, here’s an updated progress picture. Not a lot of change. Wearing the same goofy outfit for consistency’s sake. Probably should have used the flash since the sun was going in and out. Oh well, you still get the idea.

Have you had to do any of the leaping activities on EA Sports Active? Did they make you want to die, or actually die? Did the game recognize what you were doing properly?