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Stat-Tasticks! July 13th 2009 Measurement Roundup

Howdy pardners! Today we’re gonna rustle up some measurements! Yeehaw. So getcher graduated cylinders and yer plumbobs and lets round up them significant figures. Whoooo Doggy!

I always thought that I was 5'9". I was living a lie. How is it I was able to maintain this deception for 30 years?

I always thought that I was 5'9". I was living a lie. How is it I was able to maintain this deception for 30 years?

Height

Time to drop the cow poke affectation and get down to business.

Height: 68″

First off, how is it that nobody has ever told me I’m kind of short? 5’8″? I’m not even going to include the 1/8th. That’s like adding insult to injury. Who measures things in eighths? This was a crushing blow to my self esteem, and I haven’t fully recovered. I’m dictating this from a medieval rack, hoping to remedy the situation. But while that’s going on, let’s move on to what the scale had to say.

Curse you scale. Couldn't you tell me sweet sweet lies?

Curse you scale. Couldn't you tell me sweet sweet lies?

Weight

This news isn’t much better.

Weight: 177
Body Fat %: 20
Total Body Water%: 55.9

The scale uses simple bioelectrical impedance to guesstimate body fat percentage, and the percentage of water weight. It does this by shooting electricity up through the bottoms of your feet and seeing how much your body resists the current. It’s apparently not the most accurate method. But seeing as how I don’t have a giant tank to submerge myself in, and I haven’t quite figured out the calipers yet, it’ll have to do for now. As an approximate value I’m satisfied for now, even if I’m not thrilled with the result.

Mathematical rigor and flashes of flesh to titilate and amuse.

Mathematical rigor and flashes of flesh to titillate and astound.

Everything Else!

Now for the real meat and potatoes of this post. Mmmm… meat and potatoes. Where was I? Oh, right. I measured myself here, I measured myself there, I measured this rascal everywhere! Here’s the skinny on the fatness:

Head: 22.5
Neck: 15
Shoulders: 43
Chest: 37
Bicep: 12
Elbow: 10.5
Wrist: 7
Belly: 36.5
Waist: 36
Butt: 40.5
Thigh: 22
Knee: 15.5
Calf: 15.5
Ankle: 10

There exist in nature a few golden mathematical ratios that seem to be embedded into the very fabric of life. One is the Fibonacci Sequence, which defines the Golden Spiral which we see in everything from snail shells to great works of art and architecture. My body’s design instead draws on the classic Beige Oblong, a ratio that also governs the noble pear, the stoic matryoshka doll, and the mighty Barbapapas.

Don’t believe me? Do the math! b2y2 = x3(a-x)

An updated progress photo. Not much different from the last one. Let's still call this one... "Before".

An updated progress photo. Not much different from the last one. Let's still call this one... "Before".

Yikes! What hath God wrought? Oh, it’s me. Obviously there has not been a lot of progress since last time. I guess this is a pretty good impetus to get moving.

Oh hey, I still haven’t named the food fetus that I’m carrying. Any thoughts on what the little tyke should be called?

Guess what? All of these measurements are also available for your viewing pleasure on Google Docs! You can find them all in a spreadsheet (here).