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July 13th, 2009:

Day One: Recap – Chocolate Vampire in Disguise

Jul 13th, 2009
by James.
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On this first of days I feasted on some real treats including a trip to the local Burger King, and polishing off a bag of Chocolate Marshmallow Mateys – a cereal without a single nautical component to link it back to its name.

So Delicious! So Healthy! Wait... oh. So Delicious!

So Delicious! So Healthy! Wait... oh. So Delicious!

Let me tell you a thing or two about Chocolate Marshmallow Mateys. This confection tastes just like Count Chocula, and yet does not resemble it one bit. You would be forgiven for thinking it would taste like Cocoa Puffs and Lucky Charms, since it looks just like Cocoa Puffs with some Lucky Charms marshmallows. Further obscuring the delicious truth is the term “Mateys”, which suggests some connection to Cap’n Crunch. Yet there isn’t a trace of the Cap’n to be found in the entire bag. As if that sea-faring red herring weren’t enough to confuse the issue, the bag prominently features a blue kangaroo with a badittude that looks something like the love child of Poochie and Sonic the Hedgehog. I guess the X-treme kangaroo (Cool Blue) is a mom, since there is a little joey (L’il Oaty) emerging from her womb endorsing the product. Creating life to shill for cereal and looking cool while doing it – Now that’s real girl power!

It is a good idea to launder your Mateys before eating.

It is a good idea to launder your Mateys before eating.

Here are the raw facts of the day for your bemusement:

Nutrition Facts

Total Calories: 3152
Calories from Fat: 1448.5
Fat: 165.42g
Carbohydrates: 392.92
Fiber: 24.5
Protein: 112.69

Activity Level: Low

Walking: 1.6 miles (easy)
Housekeeping: 4 hours (easy)

Foods Devoured

Marshmallow Mateys
West Soy Plus Vanilla
BK – Tendercrisp Sandwich
BK – Fries (medium)
BK – Diet Coke (medium)
Water
Wheat Saltines
Water
Chicken Mole
Salad
Spanish Rice
Vanilla Yogurt with Chocolate Chunks
Marshmallow Mateys

Almost half the calories that I gobbled up today came from fat! I think that’s probably too much. Who can say? It’s a complete mystery.

The only real exercise today came from walking to burger king (how self-defeating!) and rearranging some furniture. You see, we’re rennovating our apartment to make it habitable for both humans and rats. This has taken more work than initially anticipated, so it looks like I’ll be shuffling stuff around sometime this week.

Day One! Wii Fit Evaluation

Jul 13th, 2009
by James.
4 comments

Day One! Exciting? Yes? Let’s kick it off with a little Wii Fit action.

Look at that Svelte Mii! He certainly cuts a dashing figure.

Look at that Svelte Mii! He certainly cuts a dashing figure.

I erased my old Wii Fit profile and its sporadic data, and started off fresh. Begrudgingly, I’ve entered my height as 5’8“. In the image above I’ve obscured my birthday for reasons I now can’t remember. I’m sure there was a good reason to do so at the time. Oh wells – let’s get to the hot BMI action!

Oh, the Mii has undergone some changes. It's a bit more... horizontal now. It can't stand to look!

Oh, the Mii has undergone some changes. It's a bit more... horizontal now. It can't stand to look!

Overweight. That can’t be good.

Statistically balance boards that beat around the bush are more likely to get tossed into recyling bins. Just say it. I should be down around that 22 line.

Statistically balance boards that beat around the bush are more likely to get tossed into recyling bins. Just say it. I should be down around that 22 line.

27 and 22 don’t seem too far apart. But this graph sure makes it look like a long way. My Mii may be smiling, but I assure you, he’s crying on the inside.

I'm 1.93 above serious health risks!

I'm 1.93 into the health risks zone! Way to go.

That serious health risks line is kind of worrisome. I like my health the way I like my tuna – boring and predictable. This risky business is not for me.

178 Huh? I guess that's better than 871. I'm reaching, aren't I?

178 Huh? I guess that's better than 871. I'm reaching, aren't I?

Wii Fit is being cagey. My weight is somewhere just below 178, but it won’t tell me exactly where. However it will tell me, boldly and in a red font, that I am overweight. Thanks buddy. Could any good news come out of this initial consultation with the cruel balance board?

Hey, it's not all bad. Apparently my balance is okay. That's pretty impressive considering I was drunk when I took the test!

Hey, it's not all bad. Apparently my balance is okay. That's pretty impressive considering I was drunk when I took the test!

Despite having sucked down some boozes ahead of time, I managed to tipsy toe my way to a respectable balance score. Let us end this first encounter on a positive note and regroup after basking in its glow. Right about now I could go for some mozerella sticks dipped into a hot fudge sundae to help me get over the humiliation of the Wii calling me fat.

Stat-Tasticks! July 13th 2009 Measurement Roundup

Jul 13th, 2009
by James.
1 comment

Howdy pardners! Today we’re gonna rustle up some measurements! Yeehaw. So getcher graduated cylinders and yer plumbobs and lets round up them significant figures. Whoooo Doggy!

I always thought that I was 5'9". I was living a lie. How is it I was able to maintain this deception for 30 years?

I always thought that I was 5'9". I was living a lie. How is it I was able to maintain this deception for 30 years?

Height

Time to drop the cow poke affectation and get down to business.

Height: 68″

First off, how is it that nobody has ever told me I’m kind of short? 5’8″? I’m not even going to include the 1/8th. That’s like adding insult to injury. Who measures things in eighths? This was a crushing blow to my self esteem, and I haven’t fully recovered. I’m dictating this from a medieval rack, hoping to remedy the situation. But while that’s going on, let’s move on to what the scale had to say.

Curse you scale. Couldn't you tell me sweet sweet lies?

Curse you scale. Couldn't you tell me sweet sweet lies?

Weight

This news isn’t much better.

Weight: 177
Body Fat %: 20
Total Body Water%: 55.9

The scale uses simple bioelectrical impedance to guesstimate body fat percentage, and the percentage of water weight. It does this by shooting electricity up through the bottoms of your feet and seeing how much your body resists the current. It’s apparently not the most accurate method. But seeing as how I don’t have a giant tank to submerge myself in, and I haven’t quite figured out the calipers yet, it’ll have to do for now. As an approximate value I’m satisfied for now, even if I’m not thrilled with the result.

Mathematical rigor and flashes of flesh to titilate and amuse.

Mathematical rigor and flashes of flesh to titillate and astound.

Everything Else!

Now for the real meat and potatoes of this post. Mmmm… meat and potatoes. Where was I? Oh, right. I measured myself here, I measured myself there, I measured this rascal everywhere! Here’s the skinny on the fatness:

Head: 22.5
Neck: 15
Shoulders: 43
Chest: 37
Bicep: 12
Elbow: 10.5
Wrist: 7
Belly: 36.5
Waist: 36
Butt: 40.5
Thigh: 22
Knee: 15.5
Calf: 15.5
Ankle: 10

There exist in nature a few golden mathematical ratios that seem to be embedded into the very fabric of life. One is the Fibonacci Sequence, which defines the Golden Spiral which we see in everything from snail shells to great works of art and architecture. My body’s design instead draws on the classic Beige Oblong, a ratio that also governs the noble pear, the stoic matryoshka doll, and the mighty Barbapapas.

Don’t believe me? Do the math! b2y2 = x3(a-x)

An updated progress photo. Not much different from the last one. Let's still call this one... "Before".

An updated progress photo. Not much different from the last one. Let's still call this one... "Before".

Yikes! What hath God wrought? Oh, it’s me. Obviously there has not been a lot of progress since last time. I guess this is a pretty good impetus to get moving.

Oh hey, I still haven’t named the food fetus that I’m carrying. Any thoughts on what the little tyke should be called?

Guess what? All of these measurements are also available for your viewing pleasure on Google Docs! You can find them all in a spreadsheet (here).

Week One: Knowing the Unknowable

Jul 13th, 2009
by James.
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The first week of the project is well underway. You may be wondering what’s on the fitness agenda? Will it be Wii Fit? EA Sports Active? Keeping it real with Wii Sports? Actually, none of the above. Instead, it’s about getting in touch with one of Bill and Ted’s most righteous companions.

The path of self knowledge is the only way to avoid self abuse

Socrates Sez: The path of self knowledge is the only way to avoid self abuse

The goal of this week is not to modify my behavior at all. Instead, I will be going about an ordinary week, and keeping track of my exercise, what I eat, how much I weigh, and so on in a handy dandy google doc – which, by the way, is available for you to check out at any time you’d like.

At the end of the week I’ll be looking over the data to see if I can identify any unhealthy patterns that look like prime culprits in my fattitude. I suspect to find more than a few nasty habits that are clearly in need of change. Those will be the first things to work on.

Once I’ve corrected the big nasties, I think success will be a matter of discipline and regular tweaks along the way.

So, this week isn’t going to be super exciting. And it’s not going to involve a lot of Wii gaming. Instead, it’s about making myself more scrutable. Like the oh so scrutable Sulu.